Join Now While Applications Last!


Are you an Irish Catholic space cadet?

You could be the Fenian we are looking for!

Tired of your old job? Your old way of life? Your old street? Your entire family?

You could be the Tame Taig for us!

Ronnie's Used Cars, Knock Road, Belfast, needs just 120 crash-test dummies. Dummies like you! Touch wood.

Be the eyes and ears of a new dawn, as we turn over a new leaf, back to square one.

Have somebody read you the small print.

Ronnie's Used Cars subscribes to and/or believes in: equality of opportunity, fair employment, race relations, strictly white diesel, the Orange Order, blackmail, bribery, perjury, collusion, corruption, conspiracy, assassination, planting trees, planting evidence, traditional parades, the Eleven-Plus, the Jubilee Maternity Unit, line-dancing, dancing on the dead, drug-pushing, joy-riding, brass bands, brass necks, back-handers, back-slaps, back-ups, balls-ups, cover-ups, press-ups, trip-ups, the electric chair, the gallows, guillotine and gas chamber, hare-coursing, fox-hunting, dog-baiting, cock-fighting, forgiveness and forgiveness another chance… and, eh, community policing.

Each Chieftain Tank is fitted with airbags. Each flak jacket with bleepers. Danger money starts at £17,000, rising to £19,000 after survival training and includes re-location costs, plastic surgery and new IDs.

Here are just some of the magnificent responses we have had:


"…saw the new ad and have already sent off my application. I am a poor, depressed Catholic from Ballymurphy, but have lived at various hides over the past ten years. I have previous experience of working with the police and would like to be considered for the Chief Constable's position or higher.

Yours sincerely,

Martin McGartland
(Award-winning author of 'One Hundred and Fifty Dead Men Snoring' and 'Ten Green Bottles Sitting On The Wall'.)"


"…if only I were younger…"
- Monsignor Denis Faul


"…couldn't believe my luck! And on the very day that I was sentenced! I have worked as a prosecuting officer in Omagh Magistrate's Court, and have considerable experience in deception, car accident insurance fraud, 'clocking' the mileage of vehicles, and interfering with the judicial system. I would consider it an honour to train the constables in the new code of ethics after my release from prison.

- Your old friend,

(Former RUC Inspector) Derek Robinson.
HMP Maghaberry

All applications are welcome, bar those from West Belfast, West of the Bann, the Ardoyne, the Bandit Country, the Gaeltachts, all who voted for Sinn Fein/IRA or who know somebody who did, those with Mac, O apostrophe, a fada or a seimhiu in their name, all GAA sympathisers, ceili dancers, ex-internees and members of Credit Unions.

Apply now to:

Ronnie's Used Cars

Where everything is agreed until nothing is agreed!

< Prev ... Next >

[ back ]

© 2007 Irish Author and Journalist - Danny Morrison