What a wonderful surprise I had a few months back when I opened my mail to discover a cheque from the BBC for £400. I telephoned the payments department in London to explain that a mistake had been made but the first thing the woman at the other end asked was, “Is it not enough?”

I explained to her that it was more than enough and that while I was certainly me I was not the Danny Morrison and former New Zealand cricketer who was being paid for commenting on the England tour of the antipodes. But what a surprise the other Danny Morrison was having that morning when he opened his mail and received a BBC cheque for £40 for taking part in a documentary about drug pushers and informers!

That man, famous throughout the cricketing world and in sport, probably resents me. A friend of mine, and website designer, Michele Neylon, suggested some years ago that I buy the domain name ‘Danny Morrison’ on the internet and he would design and maintain a website. As a result the poor cricketer-turned-commentator can’t use his own name to promote his own site because it is in my name.

That got me thinking about how many other DMs there are out there. So, I typed my name into the Google search engine and turned up some surprises.

In New Jersey my namesake is part of a wrestling duo with ‘The Angry Amish Warrior, Roadkill’. There, I fight under the ring name of ‘Dastardly Danny Doring’ and my fans love me, especially when I apply the Boston Crab or the head scissors.

In the film ‘Salton Sea’ I am an amphetamine junkie played brilliantly by Val Klimer (who also played Jim Morrison in ‘The Doors’). I go undercover to get the guy who killed my wife and I have to assume a new identity. It doesn’t take long, however, before I become confused about which character is the true me.

In ‘Water in Darkness’ by Daniel Buckman Danny Morrison is a Vietnam veteran-turned-cop-turned-crackhead. (I seem to get a lot of these parts.) Jack Tyne lost his father in Vietnam and I become something of a mentor to him. Jack and I are disillusioned and have spent most of our lives trying to elude demons from the past. My world view is set in stone: trust no one and do what it takes to get by.

In last year’s Hollywood movie, ‘Domestic Disturbance’ my dad is John Travolta (who flies Boeing 747 Jumbo Jets around the world when he isn’t tap-dancing or shooting people). He and mom divorced a few years ago and I have been rebellious and troubled with a history of lying (which is a lie). But mom and dad love me dearly; they understand that beneath my defiant exterior lies an eleven-year-old boy who needs compassion, understanding, good parenting and lots of double Bacardi

I didn’t realise how much fun this was to be surfacing the net at the Andytown News’ expense. So, next I typed in David Trimble, minus the Noble Prize, Ginger Brylcreme and Farmer Brown cheeks. David Trimble is a Labour Party councillor in Nottingham but also doubles in Ontario, Canada, as a fine artist instructor and believes that mixing colours on a palette encourages a desire for knowledge of maths, geography and history.

I put his name, ‘Ulster Unionist Leader David Trimble’ into an anagram engine and it came out, ‘It’s unsolved rattlebrained delirium’.

Ooom. Interesting, I thought. I typed ‘Ian Paisley’ into the same engine and it came out: ‘Yea, pal, I sin’!

See me casting the first stone?

Things were getting scary. I typed in ‘Ian Richard Kyle Paisley’, to make sure we were talking about the same person and it came out, ‘Ideally cranky Irish ape’. Apart from the racist overtone, Darwinism appeared vindicated.

Now to Gerry Adams: or Professor Gerry Adams from Davis, California, who specialises in mushroom identification and tree diseases. He also turns up in Berlin specialising in illegal and unauthorised lock opening.

And he hasn’t gone away, you know.

Better than Colombia!

Worth fifteen Floridas!

Better than Castlereagh!

If our rattlebrained delirious First Minister is looking for the inextricable link and an excuse to boot the hugger of trees and his safecrackers out of the executive then just check out ‘’ - the internet firearms industry and trade directory’. It reads:

“Advanced professional shooters are available to assist new shooters in developing safety procedures, weapons selection for personal, home, & office. Instant referrals to local advanced trainers. Contact Gerry Adams at 8315 Lake City Way NE, # 191, Seattle, WA 98115. Phone: (206) 522-2922. E-mail: This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it

Now, Mr Adams, it’s over to you.

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© 2007 Irish Author and Journalist - Danny Morrison